Here are the fab essays from our writers workshop in Portland, OR 9/12. You all did a great job with the limited time you had. You courageously turned your work over to me, the evil editor and I gave myself 30 minutes on each as if to be working on a deadline. The pen is mightier than the sword my dear writers. This is the hard part. I killed some babies, added some babies and on some pieces I had to deliver a baby that may only look a little like the baby you handed to me.
You will see the final paper first. I have also included the original documents at the end so you can see all the changes.
Welcome to the world of someone fucking with your work!
NATIONAL NEWS
Republicans Oppose Obama’s Massive Republican Capitulation Bill
Facing strong opposition in the midterms, President Barack Obama announced today a broad legislative program to appeal to Republican voters, including repealing health care reform, Medicare, Social Security, the IRS, all environmental and financial regulations, Departments of Transportation and Education as well as The State Department.
Republican reaction was swift. “We can’t afford it,” says Sen. McConnell. “We will filibuster this craven, bipartisan attempt to shut down the government. If we have to we will shut down the government.”
Minority leader Boehner called the offer, “weak and obstructionist” and offered a counter proposal to eliminate the U.S. government.
***
Trump Brokers a Deal to Keep Mosque in Original Spot, Renames it “Mosque of America.”
After weeks of controversy surrounding the opening of an Islamic Mosque within three blocks of Ground Zero, Donald Trump has announced he’s confident it’s “all but a slam dunk” the Mosque will open as scheduled.
As part the negotiations, the Cordoba Islamic Community Center will augment its name and now add a food court, an inside water fun park, a 14 screen movie theater, and an entire floor of restaurants and nightclubs, including a “Thank Allah It’s Friday.”
Appearing on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, The Donald was enthusiastic with the progress. “This is huge for New York. And huge for Mohammed. With this development, both sides come out happy. The Muslamis get the prime real estate they wanted, and New Yorkers get a new, state of the art shopping complex.”
Despite Islam’s strict laws on food, gambling and the appearance of women, the new “Mosque of America” will feature a Red Crescent Lobster, glamorous top floor casino, and a nightly 50 dancer kick-line, The Rocking Burkettes.” Trump was non-committal on adding a Miss Muslim pageant show but did wink at reporters when asked about it.
When asked for comment, Cordoba House Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf responded, “Look, something had to be done. Protesters, vandalism, assholes throwing rocks every time I walked out the door. I’ve just had it with all the bullshit. We got the Mosque where we wanted. That’s the bottom line.”
With the new redesign, the 7 story Mosque of America no longer has room for a mosque, but Trump feels they have more than made up for it with the addition of photo booths, where visitors will get the chance to immortalize their trip taking pictures with the prophet Mohammed.
LOCAL
Oregon Tea Party Faced With Sophie’s Choice
The 2008 presidential election demonstrated that a white woman president was not what America wanted.
Turns out, they didn’t want a black man either.
So this fall, tea partiers were blindsided as Multnomah County offers a high-profile battle between two black female candidates for District 2 Commissioner.
“Women should be working in the home and black women should be working in someone else’s home so we are going to have to split up our demonizing forces to make sure those two things happen”, said Fritz Angler, President of ORC, Oregon Republican Caucasians.
The head ORC went on to say, “Tea Partiers are concerned that black women won’t be able to fully represent the mostly white women and men in the Pacific Northwest.”
To prevent this sort of thing from happening again, ORC claims to be in talks with Sarah Palin’s production company to produce a new reality show called “The Right Woman” aimed at preparing white female candidates for the political arena by honing their skills at redefining empty rhetoric as patriotism.
A fired up Angler went on to say, “We may be too late to stop it this time, but we will not let this dark period in politics defeat us. Don’t forget, we are ORC’s”
***
Obama Backed Terrorist Cell Linked To Puppy Cloning Ring
In a shocker that rocked the dog breeding community, members of a puppy mill in Vancouver Washington were raided as they tried to sell cloned dogs at a pre school in Vancouver Washington Monday afternoon.
Witnesses say “breeder” Yitzhak Abraham Hussein O’Malley was trying to convince the kids and their parents that these genetically modified Labradoodle puppies were 100 percent Labradoodle.
“They were not pure bred Labradoodles, “Says a producer from Fox News who broke the story based on a tweet by Sarah Palin. ”They seemed to be a mix of 2 breeds and are being passed off as actual Labradoodles.”
Cell phone video captured by 5-year-old honor student Brett Quinn Brady shows the turbaned O’Malley stowing puppies into a black OPB member drive tote bag, then driving a Clark County Animal Control Prius away from the school.
Palin’s Tweet, First Obama wants us to turn Ground Zero Koran burning free zone, now he’s promoting animal cloning in Vancouver, WA. What’s Next.. was also brought to the attention of the principle of the Ailes Murdoch pre-school by the same Fox News reporter.
“When we were informed this was happening at our school, immediately called authorities and had this man taken into custody.”
He will be transported to Guantanamo Bay by the end of the week.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs declined comment.
In 2009, in his quest for a family dog President Obama repeatedly sang the praises of the Labradoodle and of Hussein O’Malley’s cloning operation.
***
LIFESTYLES
Dying For Dummies
In our ever-changing world of technological breakthroughs, no one is exempt from having to jump on board, not even the dying. Good news is, like almost everything our high tech sector does, it has also made dying convenient and affordable.
It’s hard to keep up with all the new gadgets and gizmos, so we have done it for you, taking a few of the most common issues associated with death and showing you the groundbreaking ways death has embraced the 21st century, making it so much easier to navigate.
Final Days
They are on there way out- so should you be?
We all assume a pre-corpse wants us to be the boundariless close talkers, sucking the life out of the room like we all see in the movies. But now that the life sucking is real and not metaphorical, maybe this would be that one time you back off. Ask if they would like a moment alone to do their “dying business.” without your input. We hate a windbag in life, why would we want one in death?
Stepping Out
Now, let’s say you did step out to give the pre corpse a breather. You get a coffee, walk back in and can’t tell if you still have a live one.
Don’t put a mirror under their nose, if they’re not dead- awkward. Plus: they’re really not gonna want to see themselves and that could be the nail in the coffin.
One helpful tool for this is the iPhone deathwatch app – it senses death in the breath and gives you a fairly accurate estimate of a loved ones departure. So now your iPhone can let you know whether you only have a minute to get a cup of coffee, or if you can spend that last bit of precious time they have left, sitting down to a proper meal.
Post-death:
Now that it’s finally here, isn’t t time you had YOUR wishes heard. There has been money put aside for the arrangements, use them wisely so you can actually turn a profit.
“Coffin It Up” is a great new website for the style conscious funeral planner on a budget. Just like the exploding “rent a designer purse” craze, now you can rent a couture casket for the event, and then bury them in something simpler.
This will save you thousands, and no one will be the wiser. Just tell your funeral home, you are “Coffin It Up!” and they will make all the arrangements.
And finally the burial.
Digging that hole can get expensive with all that union red tape, so pick one of the “DIY” cemeteries that are popping up all over the country. They Focus on the Family and get everyone involved in the burial. And let me tell you, there is nothing more rewarding than the look on a kids face when they are hard at work with a shovel, “building a special sand castle for grandma to live in FOREVER.”
And these are just a few of the ways death has said, “Hey, I am so forward thinking.” For more on the latest cutting edge death merch, follow us on Twitter @dyinginStyle.
***
The Job Market Is Slacking: How To Make Money Portland Style
Portland is known for beardoes, passive progressives and eco preachers. Oh, and its unemployment. So how can we take all these amazing bits of Portland and turn them into cash? Here are some entrepreneurial ideas that could help you do just that!
Insta-Fan
It’s Portland. You have an “actual” band. You hire us, we’ll get you an * “actual” audience.
One that’s just as good as your band.
*Enthusiasm sold separately
** Not A Fully Bonded Company
The Ghost Hiker
Is your entire day taken up trying to find a parking spot for your hybrid Lexus in the Whole Foods parking?
Or maybe do you just hate the Great outdoors?
Hire The Ghost Hiker to take your adventure, write a story for you and post it on Facebook.
All the glory, with none of that time consuming self-betterment.
Win/win
DooDoo Dognuts
Want a really personalized treat? Our highly trained crapfectioners accompany you on your dog walks, pick up Rover’s shit, coat it with sprinkles or gummy Muslims or Advil and then.. Oh wait – a company in Portland has already done that.
And these are just the tip of the iceberg. When that next Bill Gates figures out how to make cars run on hipster apathy. Portland will be the next, well Portland.
***
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
RE: Mosqueing The Truth about The Islamic Cultural Center (Sept 10th, 2010)
Our forefathers believed physical fitness is a Christian value and Jesus has a fitness plan for each & every one of us. There is a threat on the horizon - nothing is more dangerous than a fit Muslim. Where some see a Muslim community center, we see a training ground for terrorists.
They see spin classes - we see bicycle messengers with bombs
They say ‘daycare’ - we say ‘madrasssa’
They say ‘open swim’ - we say ‘waterboard resistance’
They see yoga mats - we see prayer rugs
They see Pilates - we see jihadis
Cross-training? Where’s the CROSS?
In this difficult time, we are here to strengthen your CORE…beliefs. Islam is a downward facing dogma; let’s throw some sand in their plan! It’s time to decide: are you going to exercise WITH demons or exorcise the demons?
Renew your faith AND your membership with Jehovah Fitness. Say no to that place in New York
Remember, the Lord works out in mysterious ways.
-The greater Northwest district managers of Jehovah Fitness, Portland, OR
***
AND HERE ARE YOUR ORIGINALS….
Republicans Oppose Obama’s Massive Republican Capitulation Bill
Facing strong opposition in the midterms, Obama today announced a broad legislative program to appeal to Republican voters, including elimination of health care, Social Security, the income tax, all environmental and financial regulations, child labor laws, women’s right to vote—in essence, an end to the American government.
Republican reaction was swift. “We can’t afford it,” says Sen. McConnell. “We will filibuster this craven, bipartisan attempt to shut down the government. If we have to we will shut down the government.”
Minority leader Boehner offered a counter proposal to eliminate the U.S. government.
***
Trump Brokers a Deal to Keep Mosque in Original Spot, renames it “Mosque of America.”
After weeks of controversy surrounding the opening of a Islamic Mosque within three blocks of[ Ground Zero, Donald Trump has announced he’s confident it’s “all but a slam dunk” the Mosque will open as scheduled. As part the negotiations, the Cordoba Islamic Community Center will augment its name and now add a food court, an inside water fun park, a 14 screen movie theater, and an entire floor of restaurants and nightclubs, including a Thank Allah It’s Friday. Appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, The Donald was enthusiastic with the progress. “This is huge for New York. And huge for Mohammed. With this development, both sides come out happy. The Muslamis get the prime real estate they wanted, and New Yorkers get a new, state of the art shopping complex.”
Despite Islam’s strict laws on food, gambling and the appearance of women, the new “Mosque of America” will feature a Red Lobster, glamorous top floor casino, and a nightly 50 dancer kick-line, The Rocking Burkettes.” Trump was non-committal on adding a Miss Muslim pageant show but did wink at reporters.
Said head Imman Feisal Abdul Rauf, “Look, something had to be done. Protesters, vandalism, assholes throwing rocks every time I walked out the door. I just had it with all the bullshit. We got the Mosque where we wanted. That’s the bottom line.”
The new 7 floor mega mall will still offer substantial room for Islamic prayer and worship, but now
in an effort to placate upset New Yorkers, the Mosque of America will also feature photo booths, where kids will get the chance to immortalize their trip with Disney mascots Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and the prophet Mohammed.
***
The 2008 presidential election demonstrated that a white woman president was not what America wanted.
Turns out, they didn’t want a black man either.
This Fall, leading the way in political change, Multnomah County elections offer a high-profile battle between black female candidates Loretta Smith and Karol Collymore.
“Women fighting against each other is totally hot,” said Oregon Tea Party insider Fritz Angler. “I just wish they’d fight to the death.”
Meanwhile, local feminist leaders are concerned that black women won’t be able to fully represent the mostly white women and men in the Pacific Northwest. They are in talks with the E! Network for a reality TV show that will prepare NW women candidates for the political arena.
In “the real Grrls of the Willamette,” potential candidates will train for and compete in a rollerderby challenge. The winning team will progress immediately to a lightning round spelling bee, and the top three will then sprint back to their homes, make a tasty vegan dinner from scratch, tidy up the house, put the kids to bed, and have sex with their partner before 11pm.
In the event of a tie, the women will be judged based on whose hair extensions have displayed the most staying power by the end of the day.
***
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The 2008 presidential election demonstrated that a white woman president was not what America wanted.
Turns out, they didn’t want a black man either.
This Fall, leading the way in political change, Multnomah County elections offer a high-profile battle between black female candidates Loretta Smith and Karol Collymore.
“Women fighting against each other is totally hot,” said Oregon Tea Party insider Fritz Angler. “I just wish they’d fight to the death.”
Meanwhile, local feminist leaders are concerned that black women won’t be able to fully represent the mostly white women and men in the Pacific Northwest. They are in talks with the E! Network for a reality TV show that will prepare NW women candidates for the political arena.
In “the real Grrls of the Willamette,” potential candidates will train for and compete in a rollerderby challenge. The winning team will progress immediately to a lightning round spelling bee, and the top three will then sprint back to their homes, make a tasty vegan dinner from scratch, tidy up the house, put the kids to bed, and have sex with their partner before 11pm.
In the event of a tie, the women will be judged based on whose hair extensions have displayed the most staying power by the end of the day.
***
Tainted Labradoodles confiscated from Pre-School show and tell
Government Sponsored Terrorist Cell linked to puppy stealing ring
Witnesses say animal control agent Itzak Abraham Hussein O’Malley
confiscated allegedly tainted Labradoodle puppies yesterday from a local
five year old at a pre-school Show and Tell in Vancouver, WA.
“They have more doodle in them than labra,” O’Malley told reporters at a
press conference at City Hall this afternoon.
Cell phone video captured by a classmate Brett Quinn Brady shows the
turbanned O’Malley stowing puppies into a black OPB member drive tote bag,
then driving a Clark County Animal Control Toyota Prius away from the
school.
We wouldn’t have normally given a shit about this story, until Sarah Palin
tweeted it and Glenn Beck retweeted it.
“This is just another example of Obama’s Muslim socialist anti-cute-puppy
agenda,” Beck said. “First he wants us to turn Ground Zero into a mosque
and Koran burning free zone, now he wants to steal our children’s puppies.
“What good is freedom if you can’t share you Quran burning with man’s best
friend? This must be stopped.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs declined comment.
Correction: The animal control agent named in the story was incorrectly
identified as Itzak Abraham Hussein O’Malley. His name is actually spelled
O’Mally.
Related News: DNA testing proves Obama White House Dog is a Muslim
***
Dying for Dummies
Who’s the arbiter of the rules of death? Who’s in charge of deathiquette? Jews require excellent deli meats, the Irish require an open bar. If you’re dealing with a death up close for the first time, here’s some tips to get you started.
Pre-death
Go out or stay in? Ask the pre-corpse if they would like a moment alone to do their “dying business.” If they do, Thai food’s always a good choice.
Is it dead yet? If you’re unsure someone’s dead, don’t put a mirror under their nose, if they’re not dead, they’re really not gonna want to see themselves and it might kill them. Consider the deathwatch app for iPhone – it senses death in the breath and gives you an estimated time of departure and whether or not you have time to get the thai food or you need to order in.
The cost of transportation of a body can run up to $900. If you feel death is impending, consider a $20 cab ride to the mortuary or a job for the pre-corpse as a hearse driver or a casket model.
Post-death:
When preparing the bodies, consider manscaping for men, vagazzling for women – zombies are ubiquitous and although you don’t want to picture your grandmother in a hot zombie hookup, she might.
The bait and switch – ask the funeral home if they’ll allow you to have the expensive casket at the funeral, then switch to the cheaper one for the burial. It’ll be just like the time grandma poured the manischevitz into the chateau la fit bottle for your bat mitzvah.
What kind of music did your loved one enjoy? Consider a music box casket – there won’t be a dry eyes in the house when the lid opens and “Bitches ain’t shit” begins to play.
If cost is an issue, you can actually make money at the funeral – food carts are huge, and hearses have plenty of room for cookin’. Turn the funeral pyre into a mesquite barbecue pit – and who doesn’t love smores? You know grandma always did!
Digging the hole can get expensive – get the kids involved! Tell them they’re building a special sand castle for grandma to live in FOREVER.
And most importantly, have fun! You’re making treasured family memories and before you know it, they’ll be digging your grave, too.
***
The job market is slacking: How to make money Portland-style
Portland is known for beerdoes, passive progressives and eco preachers and its unemployment. So how do you make it in this town? Here are some entrepreneurial ideas.
1. The PBR Pinata Company
For the 28 year old whose allowance is tight this month, what’s better than a can of PBR? A PBR piñata – a giant PBR filled with cheap beer. By the way Portlanders consume more PBR than anywhere in the known universe. Take that you microbrew snobs.
2. Insta-Fan
Then there’s Instafan for your crappy band – You hire us, we’ll get you an actual audience. But there’s an extra charge for wearing your poorly designed band shirt.
3. Ghost Hiker
How about Ghost hiker – Are you too busy shopping at Whole Foods to enjoy the outdoors? Or do you just hate being outside? Hire the ghost hiker to take your adventure, write a story for you and post it on Facebook. It will get your obnoxious colleague whose summated Mt. Hood countless times to shut up.
4. Poop Artist
If you think most of the art in Portland is crap, we’ve got a business for you. Poop Artists accompany you on your dog walks, pick up Rover’s shit and turn it into steaming creation for First Thursday. This puts a bit of reality into Artsy Fartsy.
If all this – or your hangover – is giving you a headache. Why not start a business that crushes up some Advil and puts it on a donut? Oh wait – a company in Portland has already done that.
END
Other Ideas
Moustache wax business
PBR Pinata company — Starting a piñata company shaped like pbr
Tattoo estethetican – help you choose what would be right for you
Insta fan — Hire an audience for your crappy band
Pimp my bike – make your bike cool
Poop Art – this is the real business of artsy fartsy
Ghost hiker – go on the hikes for you so you don’t have to and write about it. And posts to your FB page
Keep Portland passive/progressive
Beer and coffee csa —
Looking for a job today in Portland is not funny. Everyone’s focused on living in Portland – but not working in Portland. It should be called Poor Land instead of Portland.
But you gotta eat and you gotta pay the rent – but hey it’s Portland and you want to support the local economy.
So the choice comes down to – paying PGE or paying for an IPA. Or paying for Northwest Natural Gas or buying Northwest Natural beef.
***
Dearly beloved members of Jehovah Fitness,
Our forefathers believed physical fitness is a Christian value and Jesus has a fitness plan for each & every one of us. There is a threat on the horizon - nothing is more dangerous than a fit Muslim. Where some see a Muslim community center, we see a training ground for terrorists.
They see spin classes - we see bicycle messengers with bombs
They say ‘daycare’ - we say ‘madrasah’
They say ‘open swim’ - we say ‘waterboard resistance’
They see yoga mats - we see prayer rugs
They see Pilates - we see jihadis
Cross-training? Where’s the CROSS?
In this difficult time, we are here to strengthen your CORE…beliefs. Islam is a downward facing dogma; let’s throw some sand in their plan! It’s time to decide: are you going to exercise WITH demons or exorcise the demons?
Renew your faith AND your membership with Jehovah Fitness.
Remember, the Lord works out in mysterious ways. ________________________________________________
But while people are picky about what they eat, they can’t be choosy
